just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
