oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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