she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
