sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
