i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
