There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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