whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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