I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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