I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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