If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
