dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
