You can't special order awesome
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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