tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
