If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is it penis luge time yet?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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