That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
