Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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