just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
