it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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