my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
