Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
