over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
