Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
