his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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