You kept calling me your small dog last night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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