Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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