Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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