I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we're making bets on your personal life
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize