I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
