I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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