i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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