I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
