If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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