We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize