I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
