Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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