I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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