After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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