yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
