I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
