woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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