You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
