At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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