note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
