This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
