Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
