I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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