I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
