I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
