Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
