my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
