I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
