Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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