worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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