god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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