Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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