I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
