I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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