Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
