Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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